A Way Out

All people need an out... Some way to keep your mind off the things you are going through, or just a stress reliever. I kept telling myself that racing was my way out... but it really isn’t. I don’t get my feelings out racing. Downhilling. Thats where I express my feelings. Thats where I forget everything in my life and just go for it. No not the climbing- there is too much thinking for me there, I don’t get a rush from that. Going down on the other hand provides a thrilling way to just not think about anything.
I think about the other things in my life that I like to do- draw, paint, color (haha so dumb), clean, sing, and play the piano. A lot of those things I get frustrated doing. I am unfortunately somewhat of a perfectionist... not so much that but I think I may have some form of OCD- which I may have realized when I had a mental break down over my clothes facing the wrong way and being in the wrong order in my closet. It seems silly but it stresses me out. This is why some of the things I do, that I supposedly LOVE to do, such as drawing, sometimes stress me out even more. I don’t want that... I don’t need that. So I love to draw, but I need to find something else.
With me being injured and on top of that going back to my parents house which is covered in snow, I have no downhilling to keep me sane. My injury preventing riding is probably half of the reason I went complete stress the last month of school. Now I don’t have school, or any friends at the moment to keep me occupied. I need that little thing to do. I’ve decided my best bet is singing and playing piano- even though I gave up piano a while ago, I get lost in it. Maybe I’ll restart my youtube account and just get myself out there. I’m not saying I can sing or play... but just that I need some sort of something. I feel bad I snap at the people I love when I’m really just depressed that I have not done anything in so long. So now it begins. My return to the ever skeptical world of music. And eventually cycling, when this hell hole place gets rid of the snow. In the meantime, hopefully my life turns itself around and I keep the people I love close.
On a side note- Writing in this blog has seemed stupid to me most of the time. I think its because I’m writing out my actions and what I am doing rather than my feelings. Hence the reason I stopped writing... it was boring writing about going to races and warming up and racing the race and what place and blah blah blah... anyways.... from now on I’m just going to say what I’m feeling. Whenever, wherever... Don’t care if people want to know how my racing or whatever is going. Read what I write and if you don’t like it don’t read it. That is all.